I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
