Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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