Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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