she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
