brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i drank out of a bidet.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize