I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
