If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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