I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
