Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i've created a new STD.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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