her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
