I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm bleeding and have questions
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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