is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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