My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
