the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
