Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize