I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
