someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Randomize
