stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
