I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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