Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
