If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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