Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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