I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
