hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
