Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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