Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
