i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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