there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just saw a hot homeless man
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
