Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
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