According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
