apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
