the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
