i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
