Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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