sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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