my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
