vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
