I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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