if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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