Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
