my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
