He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
