My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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