do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
