I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
