Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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