The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
