theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
