Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
