i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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