Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
