I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
