OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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