god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Randomize
