Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
