im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
