Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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