Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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