there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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