...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
