I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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