you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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